I received a homesick letter from my camper. Now what?

Receiving a letter from your camper saying they’re homesick, unhappy, or unsure can be unnerving. I’m a parent, too, and I understand – my children both sent homesick letters from camp, and I know how difficult they can be to read. Getting a homesick letter is as much of a camp rite of passage for parents as a hike up Mt. Major or evening cabin dip in the lake is for campers. Here’s some perspective, context, and suggestions.

Time flies and the mail is slow.

It will take at least a few days for mail to reach you from Kabeyun. Unless you’ve heard from us that your camper is struggling, it’s likely his outlook has improved and he’s emotionally moved on since mailing that letter! For many campers, the first 2-3 nights are the most challenging. It’s helpful to keep that timing in mind as you open your mail.

He wrote during down time.

Campers write letters in idle moments, like rest hour and bedtime, when they may be feeling a little boredom or missing the usual evening routine at home. Otherwise, your camper is out and about, running around camp, getting to activities, developing friendships, and having a great time. Trust that. We’re paying attention: if he’s struggling, we’re helping him, and if we’re concerned, we’ll contact you.

Homesickness is normal.

For many kids, homesickness is a normal and even important part of going to camp and so is learning to manage it. This is true both for campers and parents. Working through homesickness shows campers they can persevere through a hard time and demonstrates the benefits of asking for help when they feel vulnerable. Many campers who’ve experienced homesickness simultaneously remember their discomfort while delighting in their triumph over it!

For parents, it can be tremendously hard to sit with your camper’s discomfort. It is, however, an opportunity to practice letting go and giving him room to grow without rushing to intervene. Trust your camper’s capacity to thrive on his own and away from you.

A measured response is best.

Your camper will surely appreciate a letter from you. In your response, don’t ignore what he’s said, but stay measured. Empathize with what he’s feeling, express confidence in him, and remind him of the positive aspects of camp – activities, trips, friendships, new skills, etc. This approach honors his emotions while focusing on what’s in front of him at camp rather than what he’s missing at home. Ask him what he’s tried and remind him that he has great resources at camp eager to help.

Avoid bargains.

In your letters, don’t make bargains, like “If you’re still feeling this way in a few more days, we’ll come and get you.” Let us do the negotiating – we focus on short, attainable objectives and work toward a resolution that gets him out of the homesick cycle and into having a great time. Showing him an “out” generally doesn’t give him a reason to try and have fun. Instead, it encourages him to stay sad so he can expedite getting home.

Avoid calling your camper.

Your instincts may be telling you, “If we can just talk on the phone, I know he’ll feel better!” He’s probably thinking the same thing. In reality, a phone call from home for a homesick camper is more unsettling than it is soothing. The work that he’s doing to be okay at camp is disrupted and when, inevitably, the call ends and he’s still at camp and you’re still at home, he has to find a way to start working at it again.

It’s better to reassure him with a letter. By calling, even the best-intentioned parent can inadvertently send an implicit message: “This is too hard, you need me.” That’s the opposite of the work we’re doing at Kabeyun to help campers realize their own resilience and potential.

That said, there are some exceptions. I will provide guidance for families when a phone call from home would be helpful, and if it’s going to be the best thing for him, we’ll arrange a time for you to talk with your camper.

If you’re still concerned…

If you’ve read this and remain concerned about your camper’s well-being, please email me. It’s helpful if you scan the letter you received and share it with us so we have the specifics. In many cases, we can give you some immediate feedback and reassurance about the fun your camper is having. And if he has been struggling, we likely already know. We can tell you what we’re observing and what kind of support he’s receiving from staff members.

We may ask you to give us a day to gather more information: we’ll talk with counselors in your camper’s cabin, at his dining table, and in the activities he’s choosing. If it makes sense, we’ll talk with your camper, too. Then we will share what we’ve learned with you.

Hang in there!

Homesickness is uncomfortable for both the campers experiencing it and the parents who feel powerless to help. Please remember we are here to guide and support him, and we’re here to provide the same guidance and support for you, should you need it. Your camper is well-supported by Kabeyun’s counselors, many of whom grew up here and persevered through their own challenges as campers. Homesickness rarely lasts more than a few days, and what follows is almost always a joyful experience your camper will talk about for years. Hang in there!

For more reading and insights, we recommend Michael Thompson’s book, “Homesick and Happy: How Time Away from Parents Can Help a Child Grow.”